Crazy Night
by OP Inc
Summary: AU. After an argument with Nami, Zoro attempts to go to Luffy's place. Along the way, he encounters hookers, lawsuits, and stripping.


**A/N:** After taking a brief break from writing, I needed something to help me get back into it. So I wrote this random idea that popped into my head.

R&R&Enjoy.

* * *

_Crazy Night_

Zoro awoke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Apparently Nami had changed his ring tone, as he listened to what the phone was saying. "*Ring Ring*, Pick up it's your girlfriend. *Ring Ring*, Hurry up dumbass, if I'm calling you it's important. *Ring Ring*, if you don't pick up this phone in the next 5 seconds, I'm charging you 100 dollars for wasting my time."

At hearing this, Zoro lunged out of the bed toward the phone. Unluckily for him, he missed it as it stopped ringing. "Oh well." he shrugged, now fully awake. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, before heading to his workout equipment. Fortunately for him, Nami had found this nice condo, which had more than enough space for his equipment. He worked out for an hour, showered, and then went back to sleep(it was a Saturday, so no work.)

Zoro had taken a 5 hour nap, and awoke to the sound of heels clicking, and the smell of mikans. "Wanna join me?" he seductively asked Nami as she came within his view. Her reply was to kick him in the face. "Why didn't you pick up your phone?" she asked.

"I didn't get to it in time." he grumbled as he rubbed his sore nose.

"Then you should of called me back."

"I'd figure if it was important, you'd just call again."

Nami decided to drop the subject, before she got too angry. "Anyway, we're going to a play in an hour, so get up." she ordered.

Zoro groaned at hearing her plans for tonight. He'd been to a few plays during his lifetime, and he hated all of them. The unnecessary drama, the overdone makeup, and worst of all the pricks who attended, made him avoid plays like the plague. Plus all his experiences at plays had been unpleasant, as something bad always happened to him whenever he went.

He was trying to think of a way to nicely tell her that he wasn't going, without hurting her feelings. But what came out instead was a simple and short "No."

"What?" Nami asked.

"I'm not going to the play with you. If you ask Chopper though he might be interested." (the little guy tended to love things Zoro hated.)

Nami was furious. She spent all day planning for tonight, and he just rejected her. No, she decided he was going with her whether he wanted to or not.

"Maybe I'll just take Sanji instead." she goaded, trying to make Zoro jealous.

Months ago, he would of fallen for her trick, but he'd learned what to do in this type of situation.(Nami had often forced him to watch Will & Grace with her. He shuddered from the memories.)

"In that case, I may just spend the night with Robin or Tashigi." he smirked. Nami was momentarily stunned by what she just heard. Zoro knew that his taunt would work. Despite how many times he said he wasn't interested in Tashigi, Nami was still wary of their relationship. And he just added in Robin's name to one up her.

Name went from stunned to anger. "Fine asshole. You sit here and sleep the night away, while I go out and have fun." she yelled. And with that she left, slamming the door behind her. Zoro sighed, and began to pack an overnight bag. If he was still here when she returned, it would just be awkward. He left a note on the table saying that he would be going over to Luffy's along with a hundred dollars. He always left her money whenever he pissed her off. Sometimes he swears that she threw these tantrums just to get a couple of bucks out of him.

Zoro exited their building, and saw Luffy's building within sight. Luffy lived a block away from him and Nami, in the fanciest building in the city. Hancock had insisted that her beloved live close to her, and kicked out her neighbors so that Luffy could live next to her. Luffy was completely clueless as usual and moved in, as Hancock offered to pay his rent, so he could spend more money on food.

"I will not get lost." Zoro motivated himself. Using a trick Nami taught him, he kept his eyes on the building, as he walked towards it. After 20 minutes of walking, Zoro looked around at the surrounding area. He had somehow ended up going in the opposite direction of Luffy's building. Zoro decided to swallow his pride, and ask for directions. He didn't want to be out to late at night, or thugs would attempt to mug him. And then after he kicked their asses, they would call the police on him for beating them up, and he'd end up in jail. (This had happened to him twice.) So he entered the closet building, hoping somebody could write him down some directions.

Zoro entered the seedy looking building, and went up to the counter. "Uh, excuse me sir." Zoro said trying to get the person behind the counters attention. The person turned around, and Zoro winced. It turns out the person was a very unattractive and elderly woman. "Whaddya want?" she croaked.

"I was hoping you could give me directions to the Kuja Complex."

"Information like that don't come free. You gotta buy sumting if you want me to tell ya."

Zoro internally growled. He wanted to ask the hag what the hell she was talking about, but since he needed something from her, decided to play nice.

"And what exactly would I have to buy?"

"CINDY" the hag yelled up the steps. Zoro heard a bunch of thumping as someone scurried down the stairs. A huge woman came down the steps, dressed in nothing but undergarments, and an overcoat. Upon seeing her appearance, Zoro realized that he must of come into a brothel, and face palmed himself for being so stupid.

"Yeah fine whatever." he told the elderly woman.

"Cindy, do whatever this man wants." the hag ordered Cindy, who nodded in response.

Zoro and Cindy then exited the building, and Zoro instructed Cindy to lead him to the Kuja Complex. After an hour of walking Cindy stopped, while Zoro frowned. Cindy was either on drugs, drunk, or had a worse sense of direction than Zoro, as they ended up even farther from the Complex.

"What the hell? This isn't the complex Cindy." Zoro grumbled.

"You have to pay me now. 500 dollars for an hour of Cindy's time." Cindy recited, as she held out her hand.

"I'm not paying you a damn thing. Not only is that price outrageous, but you didn't do what I said."

Cindy gasped, surprised that she wasn't getting payed. She pulled out a cell phone and spoke some gibberish. Out of nowhere, the old hag appeared.

"You not paying my girl?" the old hag screamed as she pulled out a Glock. "What the he-" bullets whizzed past Zoro interrupting his thought as he ran away from the old woman. Luckily for him the old woman's shot was about as good as her looks, and she constantly missed him. In fact she actually shot Cindy, allowing Zoro to lose the hag. He climbed up a ladder on an apartment building and caught his breath on the roof.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Nami had returned home, as the play had been canceled. Apparently many of the actors had caught a bad flu, and the play had to be rescheduled. She found Zoro's note, and the money that he left. She smiled, at least he was getting better at apologizing. Accepting his apology, she decided to go over to Luffy's to find him.

* * *

"Crazy bitch." Zoro muttered. He looked down across the city, and saw the Kuja Complex. He was now closer to it than before, and now had an idea in what direction he needed to go. While walking back toward the ladder, he stumbled over an extension cord, as it wrapped across his leg. He ripped it off, and continued his way toward the ladder. Just then, the door on the roof slammed open as three teenagers came out.

"Hey yo shithead, you unplug our stereo?" one of them asked.

Zoro just raised an eyebrow, as he didn't understand what the guy was talking about.

"Hey yo Benny boy, go check the cord." another one of them ordered.

The one named Benny did as he was told and inspected the cord. "Shit. Yeah guys this asshole ruined the cord. Now the stereo won't work." he informed the others.

"_What kind of dumbasses uses the outlet on the roof."_ Zoro thought to himself.

"Looks like we goin to have to teach this shithead a lesson."

All three of them cracked their knuckles and began to approach Zoro. Zoro smirked as he drew the only sword he had on him, Wado Ichimonji. (Him and Luffy liked to spar, so he always bought one of his swords along when he went over to his place.)

The three teens just stood there, confusing Zoro. _"I guess I'm supposed to attack first." _Zoro thought as he prepared to lunge. Then one of the boys did something unexpected, he yelled for his mom. Zoro was even more confused than he was before, as a woman came up onto the roof.

The woman was dressed in a suit, with a completely serious face. She looked familiar to Zoro, but he couldn't place her face.

"Mom, this asshole maliciously ruined our extension cord." Benny informed his mom. The woman took out a pen and notebook, as she began to write studious notes. She then inspected the cord, and took pictures of both the cord and Zoro. Afterwards she approached Zoro, with a scowl on her face.

"I will be suing you for 500 dollars for trespassing and destruction of property." the lady informed him. She then turned toward her children, and said "Kick his ass boys." She turned back toward Zoro and said "If you lay a hand on them, I'll also sue you for their medical bills." she smiled. That was when Zoro recognized the woman's face. She was Jackie Gomplin, one of the best lawyers in the city. She once sued a hobo for 'being dirty' and won the case. Zoro knew that if she sued him, he'd lose miserably, and sheathed Wado Ichimonji.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Nami had been waiting over at Luffy's place for an hour, and Zoro still hadn't shown up. Hancock had also come over, afraid that the Nami was after Luffy. Despite how many times Nami told Hancock that she only saw Luffy as a friend, Hancock was suspicious of her. According to Hancock, "every woman was after her love."

"That dunmbass probably got loss." Nami grumbled, as she pinched her forehead. Luffy antics were starting to annoy her, and it wasn't helping that Hancock encouraged him. Fed up with being in an apartment with these two, Nami suggested that they go out and look for Zoro. If anyone were to find him, Luffy could. (Nami believed they were in sync with each others idiocy.) Luffy agreed, and so the trio headed out to find Zoro.

* * *

10 minutes later, Zoro was walking toward the Kuja Complex. He had a few cuts, scrapes, and bruises, but nothing to serious. The three teenagers were really weak, and it was difficult for him not to laugh at their juvenile beat down.

Zoro was really close to the complex by now, when he came across the XX bar. Usually he only went to Shakky's or Franky's but he was really desperate for a drink after the night he had, and made an exception.

Zoro entered the bar to see that most of its customers were women. He really didn't care, as long as the bar had something strong to drink. After ordering the hardest alcohol they had, he sat in silence, wondering what Nami was doing. A guy then came and sat down next to him.

"What the hell are you doing in here, you shitty marimo?" Sanji angrily asked, as he puffed on a cigarette.

Zoro held up the alcohol and shook it. "Rough night." he answered.

"Well leave. You're ruining the atmosphere, making it harder to pick up the ladies." Sanji growled.

Zoro looked around, and noticed that he had caught the eye of a few women. He smirked "Jealous that women prefer to look at a man, instead of a prissy pretty boy?"

"You stupid bastard, that's not what I meant. You're ugly mug is scaring the women away."

"Chill out Deuce Bigalow, you'll eventually find a woman, man, or animal just for you."

Sanji blew a gasket, and the two began to loudly argue, causing a scene.

An attractive woman then came, and sat down on Zoro's other side. "Looking for some real company, unless you two are...partners?" she asked. Sanji saddened at the fact that the woman ignored him, but fell into a depression when she insinuated that he was in a relationship with the marimo.

This is why Zoro avoided Sanji in public, he was nothing but trouble. Zoro imagined defeating Mihawk to calm himself down, before telling the woman that he has a girlfriend.

"Oh, so you must be here to participate in the show. Well come on."

The woman dragged Zoro off the barstool toward the manager, while Sanji quietly sobbed in the corner. "Rob this guy is here to be in the show." the woman wickedly smiled. Before Zoro could protest, the manager told him that he could make a lot of money. The lawsuit came to Zoro's mind, and he decided to accept the gig, figuring he would have to tell some jokes or something.

Zoro stood in line backstage, thinking about which jokes he would tell. He looked on stage, to see the current man on stage stripping. He turned to the guy behind him, and asked him what kind of gig this was. "Stripping, duh." the guy chuckled.

As Zoro is about to exit the line, the manager pushed him on stage. Zoro had no idea what to do, as the women stared at him expectantly. He scratched his head, when someone in the crowd yelled "Start stripping ya moron."

Zoro needed the money, so he sucked up his pride and began to strip. Having never done this before, he stripped as if he was changing his clothes in a locker room. The women booed him, and he was ushered backstage.

"Listen, this isn't a locker room. You want to get paid, get some technique, and tease the audience. Look at some of the others and copy what they do." the manager demanded.

* * *

Outside the bar:

"Luffy, are you sure he's in here." Nami warily asked.

"Of course. Shishishishi." Luffy laughed as they entered the bar.

While Zoro was uncomfortable looking at the other strippers, he realized how much of a dunce he must of looked like before. He was then ushered back on stage, and did much better, earning lots of money and applause. He then heard obnoxious laughing, and saw Nami, Luffy, and Hancock in the crowd.

Zoro blushed a deep crimson, as Nami took pictures. He was about to head off stage, as he was only in his underwear. The crowd started to chant "take it off." Before he could refuse, Nami appeared on stage next to him, and pants his boxers. The crowd went wild, as they threw massive heapings of cash and cheers.

Zoro quickly dressed and left with Nami, Luffy, and Hancock as the crowd begged for an encore. Sanji awoke from his depression, hearing the sound of unpleased women. "Don't worry ladies, you're prince is here to save you." Sanji majestically said as he hopped on stage.

* * *

Luffy and Hancock headed back to the Kuja Complex, while Zoro and Nami went home. Nami went on about the night, while Zoro sulked. He realized that if he had just went with Nami to the stupid play, this terrible night could've been avoided. He was too busy sulking to notice Nami put on some music, and approach him. "You gave me a show, it's only fair I return the favor." she seductively whispered, as she began to strip.

"_Maybe tonight isn't so bad after all._" Zoro thought to himself.

The next day, Nami charged Zoro all the money he previously made for her performance.

* * *

**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed the story, and if you did, check out my others. And don't forget to review.


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